I am

I am going to give you a little insight into my heart and mind so you can see if we are a match made in blogging heaven. This shouldn’t be hard, but for me it is. It’s taken me years of hard work to realize who I am and I’m still conditioning myself daily to break the old lies I thought about myself. So, I am not always good with “I am” statements, but when we sing “Who You Say I Am” by Hillsong, at church, I belt out the line, I AM WHO YOU SAY I AM while tears pour down my cheeks. Every. Single. Time. So, as I write this I will listen to it on repeat and continue to pray that God shows you who he says I am. Here we go, presenting <drum roll> Shahaila, but you can call me Shay.

I am a Christian- I have always believed in God. When I was young my grandfather would pick me up on Sundays and take me to church and then to Arby’s after. I am trying to be more consistent with church as I have been an on again, off again church goer for most of my adult life. It’s a fault I have with a lot of things, when my routine gets messed up it takes a bit for me to get back on track, especially with things that bring me joy.  I am trying to keep commitments to myself and Church is a place that makes my soul sing, so I have committed to it. I am not a perfect Christian, but I am a Christian.

I am a wife- This one is easy because I have a little license and when the judge married us he told my husband, his name is Scott, so the judge told Scott to, “sign for her here”. I’ve been with Scott for 11 years and we spent 6 of them “living in sin” and then one day we were married. It was really that simple, one day we woke up, he had a day off and I said “Wanna get married today?”. It was that simple, I wasn’t a wife and then I was one, all because of what that little paper said. Our relationship started out pretty tawdry and now we are an old married couple.

I am a mom and a Lolli- Another easy one. Not easy to get through, as we have 5 of them between us and I’m here to tell you that having 4 teenagers and a preteen in a house at one time is pretty close to pure medieval torture. Their ages range from 26-18. I gave birth to 3 of them and 2 of them are mine through love. Rachael, Jacob, Tyler, Logan, and Abigail. We are on our way to an empty nest but now we have grand babies. My darling granddaughter Soleil and my handsome grandson Timothy made me a Lolli. I also have a daughter in law who we adore.

I am a crafter- This one is kind of self-explanatory, right? I like to make crafts, all crafts, I am an equal opportunity crafter. My crafting turned into a business and now I own a small company called Lolli and Sass. We focus on bridal, event décor and home décor pieces.

I am a florist- This one was hard for me to accept. I work with wood flowers so I felt like I wasn’t quite a florist, but according to the definition, I am a florist.

I am a Mast Cell Warrior- I live with a disease called Systemic Mastocytosis (mas-to-sy-TOE-sis) (SM). The definition of SM is a disorder that results in an excessive number of mast cells in your body. In layman’s terms it means that my body can think it is allergic to anything at anytime and give me one or any combination of allergic reactions from hives all the way to anaphylaxis. Those pesky mast cells like to hang out in various parts of my body and cause havoc. It’s a great disease for anyone who likes being out of control and loves surprises, I had to learn to work with that. I now manage my disease, I do not allow it to control me but I also cannot control it. It has taken a lot of work, a lot of nutrition and a lot of therapy to get me to the point that I can say that but I am a warrior. Maybe all those years of teenagers taught me something.

I am a burden bearer (BB). Simply, this means that I can feel other people’s burdens or emotions. Often people feel like this is a curse but once renewed it is truly a blessing. I am going to write a whole blog on this when God is ready for me to, but right now I can tell you that God teaching me to lay the burdens at the cross has been the #1 biggest tool in my healing. It takes a mountain of faith but it is so worth it. This was a hard one for me to share with you, there are a lot of haters out there, and in my experience, it is not well taught in church. I am still very much learning, but it is who I am.

I am growing and learning- I am always trying to be better than I was the day before. This means having to look at the parts of me that I don’t really like and change them or accept them. I am facing past hurts that I buried deep inside me, opening old wounds and repairing them. It is not an easy task or a pretty picture. It hurts, it tears almost as deep as the actual event. It is ugly and dirty but it’s a journey I want to share with you and others. I know it sounds so cliché, but I am trying to be the best me I can be, today.

There are so many other things that I am, like a daughter, a sister, a friend, an auntie. I am loyal, almost to a fault. I am honest, I prefer the bitter truth over a sweet lie any day. I am vulnerable, or at least I will do my absolute best to be. I am a lazy perfectionist and a Blue-Red (It’s a color code thing). I am a yeller, I am not proud of it, but it happens. When fight or flight kicks in, I am a fighter, always. I am a reader, of all things, I like information and seek it. I am open- minded and can usually understand another’s point of view, even if I do not agree with it. I love everyone and do my best to remember to ask God to show me who he sees, not who I want to see in a person. I do my best not to judge anyone, as I believe vows and judgements affect our own beings more than those we judge. I believe it keeps us from connecting to one another and to God.

So that’s me in a nutshell and of course I have forgotten a thing or two in these 1200+ words but maybe it’s enough so you’ll stick around and join me on this adventure.

Share this post

Leave a comment